My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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