So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
