Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
