i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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