bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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