I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
