ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
