Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
