2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
