This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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