his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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