Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
