I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Did we literally take a cab across the street
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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