Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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