We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
