So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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