While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Even my vagina gasped.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
