i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
