Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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