screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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