ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
