It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i came on her dog
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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