Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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