I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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