i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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