i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
