adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
