It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
