there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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