i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
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