I am spending my child support on dildos
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I think your dad took our porno
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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