tell your sister to shave her snatch
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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