is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
