Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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