Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
