ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
