I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Randomize
