Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
