I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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