The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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