Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
