You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Randomize
