so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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