Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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