And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
