He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Randomize
