I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
