so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
