I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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