There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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